Angelina - we've been writing in this thing for the past six years - and before that you were on some other site.
It's weird though, to think that 4-5 years ago I was updating this throughout the course of my week and sometimes my day, and now it's maybe once every couple of months, just to feel like I have something to write down. It went from really awful poems, indulging my and my friends' unrelenting narcissism and the discovery of insta-gratifying and sometimes insta-self-nullifying digital pictures, and embarrassing memoirs that I don't even want to think about without feeling several shades of red, and progressively over the past few years it turned into this thing where I'd type in a few words when something really bad happened or maybe I'd want to complain about something, because I've become so cynical about everything and everyone around me.
And here it goes again - 1. moving. Again. 2. Spent the past 6 years swearing never to become the "art school drop out" because I'd rather blow my brains out. But then I discover that the first 3 years of school are just a tutorial, and in no way are a preparation for the skills you need to have once you reach your final level before graduation. 3. It's become painfully real to me how every little thing that you put out there is put under a microscope and disected to the point that it beckons you to re-evaluate everything you've ever done and whether it ever measured up. How when you were 14 you thought you could just throw yourself out there and recieve nothing but praise whether or not you were any good at anything. I was on the news being interviewed on valentine's day for a segment on environmental-friendly art and it felt good because i felt like I was finally getting some sort of validity, until I called everyone and realized my mom and best friend were the only ones who watched it.
here's to the rest of the semester and the sleep i will not be partaking in.
but for now I just turned 20 (ew) and making looks out of recycled junkmail with my friend - like feather jewelry, a ram skull hat, shoes, and a yellow fur dress that ended up looking like big bird. it's all for competitions (i'll post pictures later), and the next mandatory assignment is to be completed over break. we had to sit through a meeting with some vp's from abercrombie while they explained the a&f aesthetic. THEN, we're competing for the best project so we can spend the summer in OHIO.
I can't believe I've been here since I was 16! and this is my aesthetic:
I've been working and working and I can't believe in a year it will be over. hopefully someone shares my sense of humor with clothes and ends up wearing one of my pee pee printed shirts or something. that is all it would take to make it all worth while.
I have to move out of this apartment by sunday, with no destination. I have no security deposit coming back to me and $800 stolen from my savings account that the bank is not reimbursing me with because they can not prove fraud, even though it's my second claim in a month. Being that it's been dropped, the case has become a civil matter and I have to take it up with the police, which means I won't get a penny back. This leaves me with $30 in my bank account, and back to couch surfing. Midterm projects are due during the same time, and I haven't been booking any jobs. The days I've been requested to model conflict with school and my lack of money conflicts with my life. My phone is getting shut off within the next couple of days. My boyfriend feeds me.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like for people that don't have money problems, who grew up in homes, with food in their stomachs, beds to sleep in, and parents they could rely on. I had a solid 4-5 years out of 20 of a homelife, thanks to my aunt and cousin, then the day of high school graduation it was like I was 13 all over again, the age I was when I moved away from it all.
Always moving, always wondering where I'm going to end up, and always desperate for an ounce of stability.
feeling dismal, feeling vapid. so many people moved away, and so few said goodbye.
[28 Jul 2007|01:55pm]
my life has been a blur of astronomy, high altitudes and long hours, work, a lack of good amounts of key friends time, photo ventures, and rocky love. everyone is moving away to new york, italy, los angeles, whatever. my lease is up in a month, i don't know what is going to become of myself. but he's always with me, smiling, and holding my hand.
( xxx ) i don't make enough money and i eat too many bagels.
I'd been waiting for a weekend like this past one and it proved to be incredibly climactic. Brian came to town for his own fashion exhibition, which was perfect timing for Vivienne Westwood being here for her exhibition at the DeYoung. I woke up in a frenzy to get downtown and ravage the woman. I got to rummage through a closet full clothes from new york fashion week to pick out what I got to wear to model for the event at academy - incredible. So here I am at work doing my job and in she walks and silence comes over the room. Out the 20 people occupying the space all of a sudden a loud pitched squeal comes rolling out of my mouth. Embarrassing? She is one of my biggest inspirations and she is the most adorable woman I've ever seen. She was mousey and didn't have a lot to say at first but her opinions are brash, honest, and fearless. We all went to watch her speak to all of the students at my school, and brian and houman tagged along. It is no wonder this woman bagged a man 25 years younger than she is. Even more incredible was the surprise of Zandra Rhodes showing up - who was equally adorable. Listening to them speak was inspirational. ( brits )
I go to school to discuss why "performances" like this are considered apart of the art realm:
I think it's disgusting, but the only gratification I will recieve is when when the guy in the front row gets into a fist fight with another classmate. I know it will happen, I just know it.
The other night I died and was reborn again as a robot, apparently. I'll just add it to the list of embarrassing moments that I will never live down.
I still remember 1st grade when the recess bell rang and I ran to be the first in line. It took me five minutes and 10 laughing kids to realize that I was in the front of the 2nd grade class' line. Just because I wanted to be the first to the punch. I feigned sickness so I good go home early.
Or then there was the time in 3rd grade when I had a sleepover and wet the bed. I woke up with my two slumber party comrades hovering over me. My explanation was "I sweat a lot during the night."
update: the past week has been a blur, up&down and all around. excruciating stress levels, finals, no money, & adopting the nomad lifestyle. visitors, harsh weekends, and the return of the sexiest hairy-armpitted woman alive - alexandra baldwin. dressing up for oskie as an arian goddess with a stashe. angelina stole a large metal ben&jerry's sign and carried it home in the middle of the night, & i've adopted her graceful bus pole dancing techniques & jack n the box cravings. back to more finals.
I've never seen so many underage girls running around in their frilly underwear, such florescent decorations, party monster-esque attire, platform boots, or so many people on drugs.
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